It might just be theater.
I used to do theater in high school. So many plays. I wrote plays. I directed plays. I acted in plays, and now I nearly never think about it. I wore a wig and white make-up in Amadeus. I played Mary in The Crucible, which had one line. I wrote a short play called "Sunday Afternoon" and slipped out the back of the theater during the performance, my seventeen-year-old self.
Maybe I like a real life that's artistic but outside. Not performed but merely enacted, pushed forth like someone giving birth to each new thing,
odd word sounds coming out of my mouth as I form them.
For the record: I created a cozy and dark home inside that theater. I needed it.
But of all the things I have pursued in my life,
actor is not on the list.