It is funny the narratives about who we think we are and how we really operate in the world. I am very clear on the concept that my behavior is based on zillions of my tiny preferences, tiny shreds of history gained over time, and just little things that happened I was unconscious of that mean I do something one way over another way. To me, there is no other route to knowing this than to accept our fundamental weird reality. I function in the world of mortals. I function in no mans (or humans) land. I function without clear logic. If you dig, rationalizing things is a common habit. I have done it. I understand why. What has helped me to remember is that my brain is already a messy situation. To pin down any one thing and judge myself as illogical does not help me. To isolate one thought and say

this is bizarre and incorrect

does not offer me much. Here is when, as I seek to do in all circles of my life, to just say, I am part of a system. I am responsible for myself but I don´t bite down too hard. I will be nice, and accept that whatever weird thing floats in, did for some odd reason. But perhaps what matters more to me is to say, I just decided (and third party logic thank god) how to manage this rifts that move inside that I just vaguely became conscious of.